Conflict Resoluton

Some of the best relationship advice I have received has been about conflict resolution. So many people are out looking for someone that they are compatible with but are not actually thinking about someone that has good conflict resolution skills. In a relationship there are going to be times were you disagree with each other on how to deal with an issue. It could be something small such as what to eat for dinner, to something big like what school your children should go to or where to vacation. The important thing is knowing how to work through conflicts without them growing into something harmful to the relationship. Whenever there are disagreements it's important to find a resolution. It is not healthy to suppress your anger, this leads to resentment and additional conflict. I have been a victim of allowing things to fester and then lashing out over something small when really I'm upset about something else that I failed to address properly. Many studies have been conducted that show a direct correlation between successful couples and how well they handle conflict.
When conflict does arrive it is best to give yourself time to think about how you feel and then calmly discuss how you feel with your partner. Too often we get into a conflict and start saying things out of anger and nothing gets resolved. Keep in mind that you are working towards a resolution, nobody has to win or lose its just a means to an end. Make sure to listen to the other person and really take in what they are saying. Do not just look for ways to discount what they are saying but listen and try to understand their point of view.  Most of us tend to get upset because of disagreements, when in essence it's not that serious to allow it to ruin your day.  A lot of us tend to allow a person to ruin our day simply because we get upset that we disagreed with someone.  Take time to think about what the issue really is and give yourself a chance to let it go.  Most arguments begin when people try to have a serious conversation and you are still upset.  This only leads to escalated voice and high blood pressure.  We all have a cool down point and something that allows us to think more clearly about what we are debating about.  When you find yourself in a debate and you realize that the other person is starting to get a little frustrated, it may be wise to speak to the person in a calm manner and let them know that they're getting upset and we should calm down.  Most of us don't realize when we start to get upset until it happens, and we only tend to stay upset because we assume that the other person is as well. Conflict resolution can be a good way for you and your partner to grow. If done properly both people learn something about each other and respect each other more for having the patience to work through issues together.

United Families

This past weekend I was able to attend a family reunion on for my girlfriends family.  While attending and dealing with the one of the people that put the event together I learned a few things.  I learned that no matter what you go through and no matter what the discrepancies you are still family.  Family is one of the most important things in life.  Its essential to everything you stand for as an adult and everything you went through as a child.  These are the people that helped shape who you are and continue to lead you into the person you are gonna be.  We all have child hood stories of things that are cousins did or that crazy Aunt who always got on your nerves at family functions.  These are important people in your life and the bond that you will have with these people for the rest of your life can never be broken.  There are so many people in the world that write family off because of a misunderstanding or a fallout that they might have had, but when it's all said and done you can never write off the people that share the same blood line as you.  There are times in our lives when we feel like we can go on without certain people in our family, but those people are still people that at one point you loved dearly and can never be forgotten or erased.  It's so important that we as parents and as leaders of a newer yet better generation enforce on the youth the importance of family.  We need to let them know that keeping in touch with your loved ones is essential.  They must understand that a families bond can never be broken and will forever live on as long as the bloodline continues.  There are a lot of youth these days that will turn on their own brother for a quick buck, or rob their own mother if that means they can get high one more time.  These are the people that we cannot let our children turn into.  The moment your children does not care about their families will be the same time they will fail to care about anyone else but themselves.  Sometimes it's OK to want to do you and to not care if nobody else cares what you do, but you should never lose sight of family.  Whether it's an Aunt on your dad side that you do not talk to much, or a cousin that you got into a fight with when you were 14, or just a family member that you do not keep up with very often, we need to make sure that our family understands how we feel about them.
I make it a point to tell my closest friends who I consider family how much they mean to me and how much I consider them as part of my family, without that no one can truly understand the category they fit in.  Generations ago our ancestors understood the importance of family, they kept strong bonds and made sure that all family was taken care of we as people need to get back to that so that our younger generation understands the importance of sticking together as family and keeping the bond of their bloodline tight.

Fatherhood reveals the real you

“Being a parent changed everything for me. Fatherhood has revealed me. It has given me great perspective and a true purpose in life.”

-Johnny Depp

Fatherhood does exactly that, it changes everything. It forces you to look at yourself and your life with a whole different purpose. As I think back to my first born coming into this world I remember this feeling rushing over me that life has just gotten "real". No longer was I just in charge of my own life but now I had the responsibility of another life to look after. It's a very scary and exciting feeling all at once. The first year as a father is even more revealing as you learn each day more and more about your child, his or her likes and dislikes as well as what they need and expect from you as a parent. These times are so special because this is when that critical bond is formed between you and your child. As they grow and develop their own personalities, you will see more of yourself in them. Their mannerisms and style of speech will be reflections of their parents. Johnny Depp goes on to say in the article “It didn’t change my life. It made my life, my kids are amazing. Even when they were babies I was learning from them." Isn't that inspiring to know that you can learn things from your children even as babies. When I meet other men that are expecting kids I always make a point to welcome them to the club. I believe that it is good to know that there are other fathers out there that are dedicated and can form a good support system for other fathers. 
The club of fatherhood is not just a club for men who have children, but for those men that want to make a positive impact on children's lives. We feel here at Dajs Daily that if fathers can break the stigma of not being around then we can spark a change in the world.  The impact our children make on our lives is life changing. As we have said before true fathers work out ways to be positive influences on their children. Having kids does indeed reveal the real you. Lets all remember just how wonderful and precious our time is with our kids and make each moment count. 

Invested Interest

School time is here once again and it's good to see how a lot of people I know are making it a point to take interest in their children's school affairs.  It seems these days that parents don't pay enough attention to what their children are involved in at their school.  A lot of people don't know the impact that it makes on a child when you show concern with what they are involved in at school.  Some of the things that's important to take part in is extra curricular activities.  Try to keep your child involved in activities that can keep their mind creative and inspirational.  A lot of the time parents tend not to encourage their children to do positives activities that will help influence them to use their time more productively.  We also have to make sure that take a personal interest to know who our children spend their time with.  Often children tend to run with the wrong crowd, but not really know how to recognize when they are associated with those type of people.  It's important that we help our children recognize people that are good for their growth and the people who are not.  We did a blog on Peer Pressure Monday, and that's one of the most important things we do not want our children to fall victim to.  When we take interest in our children and what they do at school, we as parents also are influencing our children to be open with us about what goes on.  We have all been there when we are at school or doing school we have been doing something that our parents would not agree with.  Lets make sure that our children are not afraid to be open about what goes on in their school lives.
So often teenagers commit suicide and the parents say they had no clue on why their child would do such a thing.  Generally the first question they ask the parent is "What type of kid was your child?"  Some parents are unable to answer that question completely due to them not knowing their child very well.  In this day in age we that consider ourselves great parents have to be sure we can answer that question from anyone.  If you do not know your own child how do you expect anyone else to know what your child is capable of?  The more we are involved with our children the more we can understand who they are,  thus promoting growth.  The longer your child takes to grow the longer it will take for them to reach their maximum potential.  Have you ever known someone that you found yourself saying that you need to grow up to often?  Most of the time those are those people that didn't get much encouragement to grow when they were younger.  We have to remember as parents that we are our children's biggest heroes and we have the power to influence them to be as great as they possibly can.  Take time this school year to be able to answer the question "Do I know my child?"

Peer Pressure

This week being back to school for a lot of children, there is a chance that your child will have to deal with peer pressure. As parents we have to equip our children with the tools to stand up to peer pressure. Our children's peers impact their life quite a bit. Just by spending time with certain individuals things rub off on our kids that they probably don't even realize. Sometimes peers influence each other in negative ways. For example, a few kids in school might try to get your child to cut class with them, their so called friends might try to convince them to be mean to another person and never talk to that person, or a kid in the neighborhood might want you to shoplift with them. These are all things that our children may be faced with and they will have to make a quick decision that can impact them greatly. There are so many young men in jail right now because they made one wrong decision.
Why do our children give in to peer pressure? Some kids do it because they want to be liked. They simply do not want the other kids to make fun of them, if they choose not to go along with the crowd. Some kids are curious to do what others are doing, its the old "everybody is doing it" idea that can influence kids to abandon their better judgment. Its very tough on kids to know how to stand up for what is right in the face of ridicule.
Dealing with peer pressure is something we must talk to our children about. Help build inner strength within them to stand up for themselves. Teach them not to be a follower but to be a leader and  walk away from peer pressure. Teach them that resisting temptation to do what is bad is far more rewarding than doing what everybody else is doing. It can also be a huge help to have at least one other peer, or friend, who is willing to say "no," too. This takes a lot of the power out of peer pressure and makes it much easier to resist. It's great to have friends with values similar to yours who will back you up when you don't want to do something.  As parents we need to insure that our children understand that it's OK to be there own person and to not give into the temptation of following what others do.

Never Worth It

Last week their was an incident where a little girl was kidnapped by her father after finding out that the mother had gained full custody of the child in a custody battle.  The man had kidnapped his own daughter and by the time authorities found the vehicle they found the bodies of the man and the little girl lifeless.  They have yet to reveal the causes of death, but we must assume that the man took the life of his own child.  What leads people to commit acts of crime like this?  What drives people to want to take their own lives as well as their children's lives?  It's one thing to want to kill yourself, but it's a whole other situation to kill your child.  How weak must you be to feel that your child shouldn't be on this earth?  Regardless of the situation and all of the bad things that happens on this planet you still need to give your child the opportunity to live her life.  It's unbelievable how someone could just take their child's life for such a reason as losing custody.  More than likely the man had contemplated on taking his own life at some point and figured since he had his daughter with him, why not.  However that leads me to the topic at hand, How hard does it have to get for you to want to take your own life?  I feel like their is always something to live for no matter how dire the circumstances.  If not you would want to live to see your children grow and make it in our society as honest adults, you would assume that's the least a parent could live for.  Taking your own life could never be worth it especially with all the good things that life has to offer.  I've heard of people taking their lives due to financial hardship, spouses leaving them, and because of the way that society has us feel.  When killing yourself appears to be an option it's important that we look at the bigger picture of our lives, such as what we have to look forward to in our lives.  For some of us that contemplates suicide they feel that their is nothing else to live for, but that's so hard for me to believe.  I think that those people just do not have a perception of the things they could have in their lives.  Life is meant to be hard, it's up to you to find a way to deal with it and make it manageable, not everyone on earth has it easy.  I try to look at it as, I'm not the only person dealing with hardships and if life was easy their would be so many people more happy.  The sooner we come to the understanding that life is tough but we have to deal with it, the sooner we can understand that taking our own lives is not an option.  Parents it's important we talk to our children to help them understand that life will be hard and you will go through somethings that will hurt or seem unbearable, but it's how you pull through that which makes you.  Let them know that know matter what they go through life will still go on, and that giving up on it is unacceptable.  The rate of teenage suicide has risen 8% since 2003, which is the biggest annual increase we have seen in the last 15 years.  Lets help promote awareness for this situation, lets insure that people understand that giving up on life and the lives of others is never an acceptable option to choose.

Fathers...No Longer Just a Luxury

Throughout human history the fathers role in the family has been mainly for hunting and gathering purposes and for protection. Women have always been known as the one to take care of the children and father's interacted when discipline was needed. As time went on even up to the modern times fathers were still the ones most likely to have jobs where they work long hours while the wife tends to the home. Those days are finally beginning to change. Society is now beginning to see the importance of an involved fathers in his children's lives. A noted sociologist, Dr. David Popenoe, is one of the pioneers of the relatively young field of research into fathers and fatherhood. "Fathers are far more than just 'second adults' in the home," he says. "Involved fathers bring positive benefits to their children that no other is as likely to bring. Fathers have a direct impact on the well being of their children.
The facts are children with  involved, caring fathers simply have better educational outcomes. A number of studies show that fathers who are involved, nurturing, and playful with their infants have children with higher IQ's, as well as better linguistic and cognitive capacities. How wonderful is it as fathers to know that all we have to do is love and be involved in our kids life to make an impact on their learning capabilities? Society is starting to show some changing in the mindset of fathers in the home. Canada has instituted a law for new parents that allows for up to 52 weeks for paternity leave. The great thing about this is that it can be split amongst both parents. They allow the father to get some time to bond with the newborn as well which is greatly overlooked in this country.
Fathers need to understand how important their presence is in their kids lives. Children are greatly affected by the absence of one of their parents. Too often fathers think its ok to leave their children because they have their mother and that is a terrible attitude to have. Mothers are wonderful and have a very important role but that by no means makes it better for the child to only have their mother. Fathers needs to stay actively involved in educating their kids, playing with their kids, and being someone that they can talk too about anything. We here at Dajs Daily stress this point so much because it means so much to each of us. We both did not grow up with fathers and have seen first hand the affects of a missing father. This is something we carry with us each day so that we don't make the same mistake with our children.

Controlling Emotions

I know we all have issues in life that doesn't allow us to keep a smile on our face or stay in good moods, but for those of us that are raising a children we have to be careful on the moods we portray.  A lot of the time when we are having a bad day we would just like to mope around with a disgusted look on our face, but we can't always do that.  Our children look up to us in so many ways and by seeing their parents in certain moods that rubs off on them.  We need to be careful not to allow our children to get themselves down over the way we are feeling when they don't know any better.  I know many of you ask how do you defeat that mood when you are feeling that way, and it's hard for me to answer that question since most people are different.  However I will say that think about who you could be effecting when you are feeling that way.  Most of the time your mood can change the vibe of a room.  for example you could be very happy and in a great room, and if you bring that excitement into a room 9 out of 10 times you will get more people in that room in a good mood.  Same goes for bad moods, when you soaking about something most people will pick that up and their general good mood will turn a little somber.  Known of us live our lives for anybody else so most of us could care less, but for those who are raising kids you have to keep this in mind.  We have to insure that our children knows that just because mommy or daddy is in a bad mood or upset about something that it does not effect them.  Try to talk to them if you are not in a particular good mood to let them know why they should not worry.  Same thing applies for good moods, explain to them why you are in a good mood to let them know that it's OK to express their happiness when they feel they need to.  We bring this topic up because so often we as parents get so caught up in the stresses of everyday life that we forget the effect it may have on our children emotionally.  There are a lot of people that grew up with issues because their parents divorced, abused them, didn't spend quality time with them, or was just simply abandoned.  Most of those all come from the parents dealing with issues and emotionally taking it out on their children one way or another.  One of the best ways to change our society for the better is to strengthen our children mentally by insuring that they understand how to deal with their emotions.  I had a conversation with someone and she told me that she didn't understand why men find it so hard to cry in front of women.  I replied with "Because we've been bread not to and as men we don't want to show weakness."  So many men out their are afraid to show their true emotions simply because they are afraid of what they would be labeled as if they show that emotion.  For men it's important that we allow our sons to cry and show emotions sometimes because if not he will more than likely bottle it all in and eventually effect his children and family with his bottled up emotions.  Lets learn as people to deal with our emotions better and identify how to resolve them, because a lot of the time it doesn't just effect us it effects the people we care about around us.

Motivation to become great

All the adversity I've had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles, have strengthened me... You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you.
Walt Disney


After watching this past weekends coverage of the Hall of Fame ceremony one thing has become more clear.  That is that most athletes have a driving force other than just pure talent.  It's their need to be the best and their overwhelming sensation to do it for the people that they look up to the most.  Deion Sanders said that he created his Prime Time persona for his mother, so that people would treat him different from just the average defensive player, and Shannon Sharpe said that he pushed him so hard so that he could provide for his grandmother.  These are 2 of the most gifted players to play their position ever and they did it all for the people they love.  So we ask ourselves what does it take to be a great man or woman, and it has to be our desire to want to do so.  I'm sure there were times when these 2 athletes wanted to give up and not try as hard, but that would have just placed them in the pack with the average player, but their quest to be the best would not allow that.  Deion stated that when he faced adversity and all of the naysayers started questioning the way he carried himself he saw his Momma pushing a cart at her job.  He said that he was once ashamed that his mother did that for a living and he refused to see her go back to that.  Once he became a pro he said that his mother never worked again a day in her life and he took care of every bill she has ever had.  Motivation to be the best person you can be doesn't always come from someone else prepping you and pumping you up to do good, it has to come from within.  You have to be able to get up every morning and say to yourself that I will be great no matter what the outcome.  Let's try to teach the upcoming generation to be motivated to be great, anyone can be average but only those that truly want it will exceed being average.  There is nothing wrong with being average, but settling for the bare minimum should never be acceptable for anyone.  It's important that we teach our kids not to settle for the bare minimum, because when you settle you stop growth.  Without growth we learn nothing and continue to deal with not having what we deserve which is anything you can dream of.  Sometimes it gets hard to push through adversity especially when you feel that you are doing your best and your not seeing anything positive come out of it, but you have to believe you will.  You have to believe that every good deed you do will have some type of positive benefit whether it comes sooner or later.  I find it hard to push through a lot of my own issues, but I know that what I'm doing benefits somebody even if I'm not happy all of the time.  As people we sacrifice something each day whether it be rest because you have to go to work the next day, or fun because you have children to take care of that night, or just time to spend helping someone resolve a problem.  The one thing I took away from watching those 2 great men speak on last weekend was the fact that no matter what they wouldn't give up on their dreams, and to capture their dreams they would have to pay some sort of price.  Lets try everyday to not allow our sacrifice of time and effort go be en vain.

Is the grass really greener on the other side?

Have you ever pondered this question? Have you ever found yourself enjoying the company of someone that is not your significant other and wondered how things would be if you were with that person instead of the one you are with? We are only human and sometimes your mind wonders even when you don't want it too. I recently heard from a married man who is thinking about divorcing his wife because he feels they aren't compatible. He says that his once loving and fulfilling relationship is no longer working. We are just not right for each other, we are very different and do not have much in common except for their lovely children he goes on to explain. As we continue to talk I notice his reasons for his failing marriage, he suggests that their different religious beliefs are the root of the problem. He says that his lack of religion and her strong fundamentalist beliefs are too much for the couple to overcome. That all seems to make sense...As I tried to provide some counsel on the issues he tells me that he has met someone that he has really taking a liking too. He and this woman have bonded emotionally, and the intimacy, and acceptance he feels with her is too good to ignore. He says that he has new found joy in being able to live without the constant demands of family.
Of course for many people a life without cares, responsibility, and duties, are a lot easier than dealing with the demands of marriage. Oftentimes when you are able to be with someone and engage in an intimate relationship without "real life" interfering life looks a lot more exciting, romantic, and enjoyable. But I'm here to tell you that the grass is not greener on the other side of the fence, sometimes there isn't even any grass at all. A healthy relationship takes work, effort, time, and most of all love. There is simply no substitute for it. The idea that a marriage can be healthy and happy without the emotional, mental, and physical investment is way out of touch with reality. When you are going through tough times, and your relationship is suffering someone else always seems to look more attractive. Do not become a victim of this false advertising. Instead of looking for other grass, try watering your own lawn and help your grass become the greenest on the block.

Working torwards happiness

The people we are in relationship with
are always a mirror, reflecting our own beliefs,
and simultaneously we are mirrors, reflecting their beliefs.
So... relationship is one of the most powerful tools for growth...
If we look honestly at our relationships,
we can see so much about how we have created them.

~ Shakti Gawain ~

There are so many people out there that are in relationships that don't understand why their spouse acts the way they do.  When most of the time it's usually staring them right in the face, but since we fail to put ourselves in the shoes of the other we miss it.  It's always important to put ourselves in the shoes of our spouses so that we can better understand how they feel.  Most of us expect to have our the situation be written out for us like 1-2-3, but it doesn't always work that way.  When trying to resolve an issue in our relationships it's so important to talk them out.  Sometimes we may not find the proper resolution right away, but at least you will understand what issues you and your spouse are having and try to hash them out.  We all expect change in our relationship to occur over night, however it doesn't work that way.  Being in a relationship is hard work and if it was easy then most marriages would not end in divorce.  We have to work at what we want the most just as we do our jobs, raising our kids, and living life in general.  There are no relationships that are perfect, most people see happy couples, but don't realize how much work it took to get to that point.  It's hard to expect us all to deal with a person everyday balancing work, kids, and making each other happy without encountering some sort of turmoil.  Relationships also help you grow as a person, by going through certain situations you realize how you have developed and how you can develop.  As people a lot of us have difficulties dealing with any type of relationships even friendships.  Although friendships and a relationship with a spouse are different in some ways, they are similar in a lot of ways as well.  When dealing with our Friends we realize there are certain things that our friends expect of us, and that applies to relationships with our spouses as well.  Adapting to our situations is the best way to make a relationship work.  However it is important that we try to understand that our spouses are adapting to our attitudes and that we must try to adapt to theirs as well.  Relationships are a give and take, you can't expect to have it your way all the time, but you should expect to be met half way by the other person your with.  As a father i want to teach my son that being in a relationship is not easy, you have to want to make it work.  I will let him know that the harder you work at it the longer it will last.  If you ask anyone who has been married for a long time, they will tell you that it's wasn't easy.  You will never find someone that will be perfect and not have any issues, but you can find someone that has issues you can deal with a lot better.  I'm a firm believer that there is somebody for everybody, but when you find that somebody that you feel is the one you have to be sure that you treat them the way that they deserve.  If you are in a relationship and you have issues that have come up and you left on the back burner I would advise anyone in that situation to work them out so that it isn't a reoccurring problem.

Breaking the stigma

Every dad, if he takes time out of his busy life to reflect upon his fatherhood, can learn ways to become an even better dad. ~Jack Baker

Being a good father is such hard work, especially since a good father sacrifices his own needs in place of the needs of his children.  I believe the easiest thing a man can do is not be there for his children.  It's so easy to pickup and leave or to just not care all together, but it's the great fathers who take on the challenge and persevere through it all.  There are so many men that give up on being there for their children due to hardships in there relationship or problems in their lives.  I look at it as a challenge simply because you cannot put a price on great fathers.  A great father will stop at nothing to insure that their children does not go without.  It's so important that we as proud fathers do all we can to be there for our children, and it's just as important that us black fathers break the stigma of black fathers that are not there for their children.  Every new father to be I cross I try to let them know that it is up to them to break the stigma of dead beat dads and to be a positive influence on their children.  Our society won't change until positive men teach children to be positive people.  For Example if your son sees you being lazy and cheating on women then more than likely he will grow up to be the same way, or if your daughter sees it she will probably grow up not respecting herself as much.  As a father in this era we hold so much responsibility to keep our children from running astray, especially with TV playing such a pivotal role in most peoples children's lives. Black men are beginning to do better however. Besides myself I have four other close black male friends that are doing an outstanding job being fathers. Each of them do it in their own unique way but are all effective in teaching their children right from wrong. Most people reading this post know of one good black father. He could be your own father, a son, a brother, an uncle, a neighbor, or a co worker. Spread the word about these good black fathers. These are men who don't run the streets, but who get down and dirty changing diapers, preparing meals, picking kids up from daycare, helping with homework, giving baths, taking pressure off of mommy. They're not looking for a pat on the back, they're just doing what they are supposed to do. Next time, before you utter the words "black men are no good" add "except Nick or Bobby or Nathan or Larry or Quan - he's a good dad." It will go along way to change the stigma that there aren't any good black fathers around.

So if you are a father and your feeling like you can't handle it, remember that it's easy to give up and anybody can do it.  However the strong men, the real men hang in there to make sure that their children grow up with a strong male figure in their lives.